TO NABISCO, INC.
7th February, 1998
Dear Sir or Madam:
Let us just tell you what a great product you have in A.1. Steak Sauce. But right there in the name is the problem. A.1. is much more than a steak sauce, and you are really selling yourselves short by only focusing on the meat aspect. This is something you should try to do something about, because you could get the vegetarian market on your side, but a lot of them would probably be squeamish about using a product that has 'Steak' in the name, you know how they are. We have a lot of friends who are that way, and you would be surprised at how many of them have A.1. in their refrigerators, despite the 'Steak' in the name and the limited scope of your advertising campaigns.
Anyway, A.1. is the first thing we ask for in any restaurant. Some of the uses we have come up with for it, besides on steak, are on potatoes mashed, french fried, or hashed brown; in rice; on 'nature burgers'; on tacos and burritos; on eggs, especially (this was the original alternate use, and you should promote the hell out of it, because it's great); soaked up with bread; in beans; or anything that has beans in it; on grilled cheese sandwiches; occasionally in soups; on tiny chicken salad sandwich hors d'oeuvres; in deviled ham; in lieu of or in addition to common jar spaghetti suace, over any of the many varieties of noodle; over many types of frozen vegetables, especially corn, to make a sort of succotash; finally, it adds a crucial bit of zest to your everyday frozen 'Budget Gourmet' type meals.
But we'll put it to you straight: quit wasting your time on these other A.1. varietals, like 'bold and spicy' and 'sweet and tangy' or whatever they are. We have tried them and they're no good, and what it comes down to is you don't fuck with a winner. The reality of things in the condiment aisle is that it's already too damn confusing, what with all the second-rate steak sauces pretending to be A.1. with similar bottle shapes and label colors. Now you have to go and put these other unnecessary inferior flavors by it too, that actually have the A.1. label, and so we end up spending ten minutes in the condiment aisle when there's no point and we know what we want. Does anybody actually buy that stuff a second time? You were ill-advised on that marketing decision, and you should get out while you can, before you spread yourself too thin.
The final problem is this: we have just moved to Chicago from Texas. In Texas you could get A.1. pratically by the keg. But here the largest we can find is the 10 oz. Size which we go through in about a week. We don't figure there is any point in messing around, so if you could tell us where we could get a real 'family size'(or larger, maybe 'parish size') bottle of A.1. around here, that would be great, and we'll run up and get a case or so.
So if there is an A.1. cookbook, would you please send us a copy, and if there isn't, we could contribute some recipes. Okay. Thanks.
Kickin' mad flavor,
Colin J. Murphy + Elizabeth Cotton
Colin and Elizabeth continue to carve extraordinary lives from the meat of 'dudes'and likewise to ingest the largest portions of fine steak sauces.