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Oh yes, the end result of the, remember that awful band Harvey Danger? They had that song called "Flagpole Sitta?" The video featured the singer (and rock critic I hear) wandering through a party and spouting his spiel all over the shrimp cocktails about how "everywhere stupid people are breeding!" Apparently his folks didn't heed his advice. Knowing what they would have conceived that night in August, I'm sure there would have been two shots in the night, two quick sharp flashes and a whole mess of brains to clean up off the kitchen floor, even though the dog more than likely would have taken care of the whole "situation" before the neighbors even knew what really went down that day in Dallas. The album covered suggested blandness beyond any and all the capacity to reason in the species known as the Homo sapiens. A simple photograph of a house, presumably in the band's neighborhood. Who knows, maybe the house they lived in. Perfect! Now that I know what type of home to seek out, when I find their house I'll write down their address, sell this information to major companies who will in turn fill their mailbox to the bursting point with flyers, credit card offers, mortgage offers, religious pamphlets, lost pet and lost children notices, and, best of all, subscriptions to multiple magazines -- and who could ever forget about the endless cries of "You May Already Have Won 15 Million Dollars!" sweepstakes with the photo of an aged almost corpselike Ed McMahon, if perhaps Harvey Danger listens closely to the envelope and puts all of their collective ears together, they can hear, ever so slightly, the voice of a doomed and dying Ed McMahon, giving them advice from his deathbed... "Just look for the envelope with my picture...and you may already be a winner." But a winner in what sense? The pollution which is their debut album, "Where Have All the Merrymakers Gone," will not and cannot be cleaned up no matter how much money you throw at it. The only way to cleanse this stain from the pop charts is to round up every last copy, stack them neatly into a series of carefully cataloged piles, construct a plank and platform complete with the requisite number of steps (13, as the gallows have), throw flame upon piles and while the black plumes of deathlike smoke come barreling skyward, force the members of Harvey Danger up the stairs with swords at their backs, they will scream, howl and cry as they watch each other walk the plank to their fiery death. American Flags will not be flown at half mast as the bodies of Harvey Danger burn, no, they will be flown high, proudly, America has once again reasserted her position as the greatest nation on earth, a nation with a history of disposing of any and all cancerous entities, America has cleansed herself of the scourge of Harvey Danger, and to make sure that no infectious airborne microbes escape, the corpses of that dreadful pop-alternative group are incinerated until nothing is left but hot ash. I do understand that this band has long since broken up, and their misdeeds occurred a long time ago, and they were young, etc, but one must remember what the history books have taught us about such cataclysmic historical catastrophes such as the Holocaust and, of course, 9/11: AMERICA WILL NEVER FORGET!

BOYS OF SUMMER

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