A RACCOON IN THE WHITE HOUSE
Questions from Larry King's 2005 Interview with U.S. Vice President Dick Cheney,
Q. In retrospect you would still go into Iraq?
A: Yes, it's a natural reaction when we are afraid or angry. Then we'll bite hard.
Q. Al Qaeda are up and running again in Pakistan -- are we going after them?
A: Yes, but we are willing to negotiate the issue. If you give us our own belongings from the time we are tiny and frequently replace them when we annihilate them, we'll generally agree to leave your things alone.
Q. Would you make an overt move on Iran?
A: We've been known to actually become friends. Usually, we just ignore them and pretend they don't exist.
Q. Let's touch some other bases.
A: Be careful how you do it! I'll assume it's an unprovoked attack and act accordingly.
Q. Wouldn't you like to be liked?
A: Would you want to sleep in a tree and eat garbage and grubs?
Q. Do you have to torture? Have you ever said we support certain methods of physical harm?
A: The best thing to do is to hope I want to be in your good graces. If I don't, all you'll have is a caged wild animal.
Q. You should have been more public on this?
A. Probably not. I'm inclined to be a solitary animal, and I don't like to share.
Q. But the public might say, what have you got to hide? And that would be logical, what have you got to hide?
A. Stuffed animal toys, some with bells inside. Rawhide chewtoys of different kinds, and a little wooden train that I can pull.
Q. We have an op-ed piece by Walter Mondale, former Vice President. He accused you of having a "near total aversion to the notion of accountability." How would you respond to this?
A: I'll groom my own coat, thank you -- like a cat.
Q: Do you ever, as an intelligent person, look in the mirror and say, maybe I'm wrong?
A: Frankly, I'm in a foul mood during mating season. I feel testy all the time and want to bite something. You may notice me marking things more than usual, and I'll be attacking my teddy bears and shaking them for dear life. I grab hold of the teddy by the back of the neck with my teeth, wrap my arms around, and go to it. Do NOT interrupt me.
Q. I think they put a new -- Lynne Cheney was with you, right, when they put a new -- they put a new fibrillator or a new battery?
A. We do tend to become obese if we are allowed. And those that are obese tend to have heart conditions that significantly shorten their lives.