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**PRINT: No. 34.2: Part dictionary of the outrageous, part chronicle of the manic twists and turns of American life, Atlanta writer Jamie Iredell's BOOK OF FREAKS (due fall 2010 from Future Tense) is A+ material, the best of its bits spawning raucous laughter and righteous anger read after read after. Check out several of the "freaks" in this issue, part of our mini-broadsheets series, along with Nashville-based Gabe Durham's similarly structured selections from "Fun Camp," a work in progress, on the back side. Durham is Keyhole Magazine's new editor. **PRINT: COLD WAS THE GROUND, by Chicago's Scott Stealey, is No. 34 in our broadsheet series. Gina, protagonist, a rather lonely condo dweller/office manager, strikes up a fleeting friendship with one Porgo, an Eastern European construction worker who is burying on her property what Gina takes for a time capsule. But the metaphorical fix is in -- Porgo, an ESL student, may be leading Gina in directions she can’t exactly get her head all the way around. Enjoy. Chicago writer Stealey is editor of the Please Don’t online mag. **WEB: DEATH IN YELLOWSTONE: CHAPTERS 7-10 Tim Racine |
DEATH IN YELLOWSTONE, CHAPTERS 7-10
A YELLOWSTONE MYSTERY: DEATH BY CAVE-IN; MISSILES FROM ABOVE: DEATH FROM FALLING ROCKS; 'I THINK I SHALL NEVER SEE': YELLOWSTONE'S DEATHS FROM FALLING TREES; and FATAL ATTRACTION: DEATH FROM FALLS
HOW TO AVOID GETTING GASHED, GETTING BASHED, GETTING SMASHED AND HAVING YOUR DREAMS DASHED AT YELLOWSTONE NATIONAL PARK
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Tim Racine
PART 1 | PART 2 | PART 3 | PART 5 | PART 6 | PART 7 | PART 8
Some people just don't get it! The Yellowstone National Park is dangerous! People who live in cities don't get it. Sometimes they fuck around! I get Yellowstone National Park and I get the cities! And I'm here to illuminate things to you in a way that you can understand. Here are four scenarios; please pay close attention as the details are important and relevant.
Scenario 1:
Imagine you're a bike messenger. You just got an important message and you need to get it across town fast. Your boss said that if you get it there in 10 minutes you'd get a 10 dollar tip (if you get it there in 20 minutes: 20 dollars. 30 minutes: 30 dollars. Etc.) So you want to get this message there in a hurry. You run a red light. A car swerves out of the way to not hit you but it hits a baby carriage with two babies riding piggyback in it. The babies fly out of the carriage and into a streetlight pole. The pole breaks and falls over, hitting you and your bike (note: it was a new bike). You die seconds later and, though you don't get your tip, when you get to hell, the devil tips you anyway (with the tip of his penis).
This is exactly what if feels like when a tree falls and kills you because you were fucking around in Yellowstone National Park.
Scenario 2:
Imagine you're a helicopter pilot. Your job is to give skyline tours. You're the best (you know everything about the buildings). Also, you're a good pilot, but you're cocky (and kind of a dick about it) -- you converted your helicopter into a convertible. Your boss said that you would get fired if you did, but he didn't fire you because you're too good. But not that good... One day you put the top down in your helicopter and when you're doing a loop-de-loop you fall out. You fall so hard on the ground that you go straight to hell. The devil catches you in one of those things that firemen catch people with (but that thing is made out of his dick).
This is exactly what if feels like when you fall to your death because you were fucking around in Yellowstone National Park.
Scenario 3:
Imagine you're a cat burglar. You just snuck into a mansion (let's say it is a mansion that belongs to a millionaire). Being a burglar, you want that millions of dollars, or at least part of it, maybe an expensive vase or a Camaro, but that's not really important. What is important is that you're sneaking around in a mansion and it's dark. You're snooping around with a flashlight looking for something to steal (something good, not just some sentimental bullshit, like a photo of kids or a grandma). Suddenly, the whole mansion collapses on you and you are dead. You have been crushed to death and are now in hell, talking to the devil about the bad things you've done (example: attempted burglary; also: breaking and entering).
This is exactly what if feels like when a cave collapses and kills you because you were fucking around in Yellowstone National Park.
Scenario 4:
Imagine you're an important business man. You don't take shit, you give it. And you're giving it to one of your employees because he saw you "giving it" to your secretary five minutes ago. You tell him that if he tells anyone, he's fired and if he tells your wife he's fucking dead. He says he wants $100,000 dollars to keep quiet. Then you say, "Listen up, shitbird, the only person I'm going to give $100,000 is your doctor as payment for removing my dick from your face." Just then United Airlines flight 175 crashes through your office window confirming the attack on the World Trade Center was indeed deliberate. Also, you're dead now. And the devil is titty-fucking your balls.
This is exactly what if feels like when you're hit by a rock and it kills you because you were fucking around in Yellowstone National Park.
PART 1 | PART 2 | PART 3 | PART 5 | PART 6 | PART 7 | PART 8
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